Thoughts and Fears After One Year on CPAP

Being sick is absolutely fucking terrifying for me.

No – not getting sick. Getting sick I can handle. A cold? Aight. The sniffles. Fine.

But when illness is there and I don’t know what it is, it sends me into a frenzy.

I was planning on doing my first entry here on CPAPBabes.com on my Papiversary (a play on my “cpap anniversary” – I started treatment on November 4th, 2015) but I wasn’t feeling well. I was tired. I had been tired all week, and the week before that.

I was tired and terrified.

The tired and terrified face of the author on her one year papiversary.

For years and years, I have been tired. For most of those years, there was no explanation, just doctors telling me that I was “busy” or “not getting enough sleep” or “depressed” or “sleeping too much” or “not drinking enough coffee.” (Yes, a doctor really told me that!)

The wonderful part is that now, I have an explanation. I had sleep apnea for years. It was not diagnosed. It was not evident at all, to me (or my doctors.) It was making me tired. It was destroying my immune system. It was killing my brain cells.

Now I know that. And for the past year (plus a few days) I have worked. I have worn my CPAP every night (okay, I missed six nights total – three while camping and three when I left my mask at my Mom’s house.) and religiously gone to my naturopath to start resolving all the issues undiagnosed sleep apnea has caused me, such as hypothyroidism, food sensitivities and a generally weakened immune system.

I have had tons of tests recently, and everything looks absolutely wonderful. No anemia. Normal blood pressure. All of it looks great.

Yet for so many years, it wasn’t. There were small signs here and there, but they weren’t taken seriously. Slightly high blood pressure? Why, I must have been nervous about being at the doctor! Elevated pulse! Those damn nerves again!

Now things are resolved. I feel great most days. But when I get sick…it’s all over.

Here’s the thing – I don’t even really get sick. I have had a runny nose on and off for two weeks that hasn’t quite kicked in 100%. I have had one cold since I started CPAP, and it was approximately 3 days after I started.

No, I don’t get sick – I get tired. No, wait – I don’t get tired – I get fatigued. 

I get fatigued, then I get really, really fucking nervous.

Here’s what my thoughts looked like the past two week:

I’m tired. It’s back. It’s not just sleep apnea, it’s something that I’ll never be able to figure out.

Exhausted. I already quit dairy and gluten, what the hell is left?

I’ve napped three days this week. What is my body doing to me? Why me, AGAIN?

Last night the clouds lifted. Today I woke up new. I had energy. I zipped through my work day at my part time job. I got home and I did a couple of hours of work on my businesses. I made some healthy food to eat throughout the week.

I have affirmations, ones that I say every day.

I am healthy, they say.

And I am. Finally, finally, finally, I am.

The tired and terrified face of the author on her one year papiversary.